2am brainstew

 JKR Photography. "likes" very appreciated.


I should honestly just go to bed but because I've gained insomniac tendencies, hey let's write!

It's 2:30am exactly from my house in Japan and...

I sit here now feeling slightly depressed in sorts but hopeful in myself to make things better for myself. I feel in my heart the way things need to be in all aspects of my life now it is time to achieve them. I'm going to emphasize "all" because honestly I can't point my finger at one direct issue alone, I need to add them all in this pot. I also do not want people thinking it's one single thing when it is not...

Many things come to my mind when I think about where I am lacking and also in regards to where I want to be now, next week, months or even 5 years from. I'll start with something simple, school. I do feel that I have gotten so much better at completing my work but I get in those slumps sometimes when I feel emotionally or mentally drained so I just remove all care. I can't do this anymore and I fight with myself about this daily. There is a piece to my motivation puzzle that is missing and I can't seem to find out where it is and why it's not there. I mean I could think of a million ideas and even know when I say I'm not going to do this I know I will struggle with it. Maybe I need to just set another goal or have another dream?

The next thing that comes to mind is lack of motivation to fitness. I used to take pride in how I was dedicated and people would laugh at me because I carried healthy snacks like tuna with me everywhere I went. Where is that girl? Deeply rooted in me I feel a tug towards physical fitness and eating clean but once again...that damn puzzle piece. I have picked up running recently and I will admit I do not love it BUT I do see how it can become addicting because I feel that setting in already. The thoughts of becoming a runner excite me...I have one problem though and maybe this is the piece that I'm talking about...the eating clean. Through my life food and me have not been friends...I wasn't friends with my jeans either. Staying shy from the rest of my story I just need to find a willpower to break bad habits that I know I have. Although, for some reason it's being posie and hiding from me constantly. I have done better but it's a slippery slope at times.

Omgosh I'm still writing...*Kelly go to bed!

Becoming a admirable woman is something a girl should obviously desire to attain. I feel that I am lacking drastically in this area. I speak like a sailor (no pun intended) way too often, don't get me wrong I don't think there's anything wrong with a good curse. If I stub my toe look out because its *&^%$# ya know what I'm sayin! It's not just the way I speak though it's also the way I feel. I used to have a lot of motherly tendencies, I mean I grew up with three brothers so cooking, cleaning and caring for them was not a rare thing. I loved every minute of that though because I have a mothers soul I believe. I do know that my care, patience and devotion to things in life has slightly faded. I want to make steps towards becoming more devoted, caring & genuine.

still going... 

I could go on with the things that cross my mind when I get into these moods but I'll just stop because I know what I need to do. It's hard knowing that things take time and there is going to have to be a process. In ending which I need to do because it's late and I'm starting to talk nonsense....a quote: 

"Out of clutter, find simplicity, from discord, find harmony, in the middle of difficulty lies opportunity."

Albert Einstein