Sunday, February 20, 2011

2am brainstew

 JKR Photography. "likes" very appreciated.

I should honestly just go to bed but because I've gained insomniac tendencies, hey let's write!

It's 2:30am exactly from my house in Japan and...
I sit here now feeling slightly depressed in sorts but hopeful in myself to make things better for myself. I feel in my heart the way things need to be in all aspects of my life now it is time to achieve them. I'm going to emphasize "all" because honestly I can't point my finger at one direct issue alone, I need to add them all in this pot. I also do not want people thinking it's one single thing when it is not...
Many things come to my mind when I think about where I am lacking and also in regards to where I want to be now, next week, months or even 5 years from. I'll start with something simple, school. I do feel that I have gotten so much better at completing my work but I get in those slumps sometimes when I feel emotionally or mentally drained so I just remove all care. I can't do this anymore and I fight with myself about this daily. There is a piece to my motivation puzzle that is missing and I can't seem to find out where it is and why it's not there. I mean I could think of a million ideas and even know when I say I'm not going to do this I know I will struggle with it. Maybe I need to just set another goal or have another dream?
The next thing that comes to mind is lack of motivation to fitness. I used to take pride in how I was dedicated and people would laugh at me because I carried healthy snacks like tuna with me everywhere I went. Where is that girl? Deeply rooted in me I feel a tug towards physical fitness and eating clean but once again...that damn puzzle piece. I have picked up running recently and I will admit I do not love it BUT I do see how it can become addicting because I feel that setting in already. The thoughts of becoming a runner excite me...I have one problem though and maybe this is the piece that I'm talking about...the eating clean. Through my life food and me have not been friends...I wasn't friends with my jeans either. Staying shy from the rest of my story I just need to find a willpower to break bad habits that I know I have. Although, for some reason it's being posie and hiding from me constantly. I have done better but it's a slippery slope at times.

Omgosh I'm still writing...*Kelly go to bed!
Becoming a admirable woman is something a girl should obviously desire to attain. I feel that I am lacking drastically in this area. I speak like a sailor (no pun intended) way too often, don't get me wrong I don't think there's anything wrong with a good curse. If I stub my toe look out because its *&^%$# ya know what I'm sayin! It's not just the way I speak though it's also the way I feel. I used to have a lot of motherly tendencies, I mean I grew up with three brothers so cooking, cleaning and caring for them was not a rare thing. I loved every minute of that though because I have a mothers soul I believe. I do know that my care, patience and devotion to things in life has slightly faded. I want to make steps towards becoming more devoted, caring & genuine.

still going... 
I could go on with the things that cross my mind when I get into these moods but I'll just stop because I know what I need to do. It's hard knowing that things take time and there is going to have to be a process. In ending which I need to do because it's late and I'm starting to talk nonsense....a quote: 

"Out of clutter, find simplicity, from discord, find harmony, in the middle of difficulty lies opportunity."
Albert Einstein  


  1. Hi, I'm your new follower from the blog hop. Looking forward to reading your posts. :)

  2. Kelly, I hope your mother's soul that you spoke of, will allow you to take as good care of yourself as you have of your brothers. You will question yourself throughout your life but you sound very steady to me right now. I found your blog by chance and just wanted you to know what a lovely spot you've created. I hope you have a wonderful day. Blessings...Mary

  3. Very insightful.
    New follower from Say Hi Sunday blog Hop.
    Hope you have time to follow back.

  4. You have quite a beautiful blog! I truly adore it. I found you through My Sometimes Crazy Life and the award you gave her. That's very genuine of you. I'm now following you!


  5. Youe blog is completely adorable! I love your writing style. I'm your newest follower from The Military Thrifty Wife. I love meeting other bloggers!

    Sending you hugs too. Isn't it hard to find your spot in the world at times. I think we are all always on the same search. Find your happiness and just be true to yourself. Everything else will just fall into place.

  6. Love, I am always glad when people realize the things about them that they want to change - whether they need to or not. Realization is the first step to becoming the person you want to be. That person may change over and over again though, but such is life. I am going to do a link about that actually soon. Anyway, what I am saying is, don't be overwhelmed by all the construction zones about yourself that you see and would like to work on. Set small goals for each week and don't try to change all about you in a day, that'll make for an epic fail. Good luck Sweetie. You know I love you and think you are fantastic - while cursing or not. I do have that same issue, and my new year's resolution was to do it much less --> not working out too well...

  7. Thank you so much for letting me in on the secret of your cursive font!

    Hmm... yes, I struggle with my own motivation puzzle. I haven't figured it out yet, but much of the fun is in the journey to discovery, I think (I'll let you know if I ever get it figured out). ;)

    My husband and I both have a lot of food allergies, so we were sort of pushed into learning how to help ourselves feel healthier and eat better. It was a challenge at first (and we still discover new ways to feel better), but it get's easier once you get the basic structure in place.

    I think it's important to go through times of self realization and determine new ways to make yourself feel better (physically and emotionally)... but at the end of a long day, sometimes all a girl really needs is a glass of wine and a few moments to relax.

  8. Mary-you are very sweet and I agree with you I hope that it does help me!

    Katie- Oh its so cool you stopped by! I've seen your blog before. :)

    Goodnight Moon- I've seen your blog before as well, thank you for stopping by. Thank you for the advice.

    Becca- I love you too. You've been here with me for years and I hold what you say dear to me.

    Eve- Your welcome :) and I agree wine and moments to relax are exactly what I'm about to do!